Hello HN, I just learned that we are going to have a baby, but I'm just so burnt out at my job. I can barely afford my health insurance, and now we are looking at adding a dependent, there's just no way. I've been here since 2012, and I've never felt like I wasn't just
And this baby is going to be here, like, imminently. It's always been my dream to be a dad, and now I realize how laughably unprepared I am to be bringing somebody into this world. I can barely do my job, and now, it's so, so serious. I can't quit my job, I can't take time to look for another job, I can't _do_ my job.
When it was just "me" in the world, I could afford to be cavalier and take chances, but now I feel completely dependent on a group of people that demonstrably DNGASFF about me.
I'm not a fast talker, my resume looks like shit, the only thing I know how to do is program, and we're about to have a baby. What do I do?
Comments
If you're able to take Paternity, take it. It's going to be a whirlwind, especially if this is your first child, and this is likely the first real stretch of time you've had off in your entire adult life. It's hard to bond with a week-old child, but spend as much time as you can with the baby and make yourself available to help mom with anything she might want help with.
The good news is that the baby sleeps... a lot. You can only fill up so much time doing laundry, cleaning bottles, and doing dishes. You will have some free time, especially at the start. Use some of this time dusting off your resume and learning some things that interest you that you haven't had the chance to dig into previously. You should be free from the typical day-to-day work stresses so, if you're like me, this might actually be enjoyable. If you're already confident you dislike your job, maybe even try to get an interview or two scheduled during this time.
Once you're back to work you can evaluate with a clear head just how much you (dis)like your current job, and you should have a clearer idea of how close to the chopping block you truly are. Some employers have a knack for making you feel worthless even if you're incredibly valuable.
Make sure you're prioritizing your family; it's a lot easier to find another job. This is an very exciting time- enjoy it!
By thenoblesunfish 2022-09-2018:17 The baby will sleep a lot.. in two hour chunks with crying in between. That said, yes the beginning part isn't actually that many hours you're really doing anything for the baby and you'll (hopefully) be stuck at home, so it is a good time to apply for jobs and do interviews. Good luck and congrats!
By quietbritishjim 2022-09-2018:15 > The good news is that the baby sleeps... a lot. You can only fill up so much time doing laundry, cleaning bottles, and doing dishes. You will have some free time, especially at the start.
I guess your child is very different to mine or you are very different to me, but for at least the first two weeks there's really not enough time for everything, certainly not to get enough sleep. Doing some side work as well seems incomprehensible to me.
By vardump 2022-09-2019:16 Kids can be very different. Even siblings can have totally different behavior.
Some sleep like... er... babies, and some wake up every 1.5-2 hours and drive you crazy. :-)
By scrapcode 2022-09-2017:29 > Some employers have a knack for making you feel worthless even if you're incredibly valuable.
Saving this wisdom. I have worked for a few of them.
Dude! Congrats! This is a magical time. Don't waste it by worrying.
Stay at your job. Milk them for whatever paternity leave they will give you. And if you announce you are going on a long paternity leave, they are not going to fire you right before you leave. DO NOT SWITCH JOBS NOW.
When the hospital sends you the bill - argue, argue, argue. They did stupid stuff to us like bill both my wife and the child for all the same delivery line items ("guys, it was the same procedure!"). Get it to a reasonable number and put it on a payment plan.
Use the paternity leave to start looking for jobs. You'll have time and a clear head. And a much bigger perspective on life. You may even find that with the change, you were missed at work and that the burnout seems far and distant.
After that, having a kid is cheap. (At least at first). Get yourself a Costco membership. The first year we spent maybe $35 a month on diapers and $45 a month on formula. Clothes and furniture and toys other people will be stoked to provide for you. At tax season, enjoy getting a few thousand extra dollars back.
Welcome to the next phase of your life. I wish you and your growing family much happiness.
By boopboopbadoop 2022-09-2017:041 reply Agreed, it’s not expensive to start. Just wanted to add that if you don’t inherit or are not gifted stuff from friends and family for your kid that you need, check second hand stores and/or kijiji/Craigslist/etc first. Many items are 1/5 of the cost of buying it new, and a lot of the time it’s brand new anyways.
It does get expensive if you have to pay for care. Not sure where you live OP, or what your support system is like from family, so that may or may not be an issue.
By legitster 2022-09-2019:20 The wife wanted to stay at home for the first few years anyway and we made it work. Infant care is fundamentally inefficient and expensive, but people too easily dismiss some of the tax benefits you may be eligible for. At least at our income level, almost half of daycare expenses we get back at tax time.
Just to add another data point. This last year due to the shortage, we’re spending 200/mo on formula alone.
By boopboopbadoop 2022-09-2017:052 reply To this point, consider breastfeeding. I won’t comment on nutritional differences, but you save money at the cost of time/flexibility.
By MandieD 2022-09-2019:49 Pumping. It ended up that I had to do it if I wanted my kid to have my milk (would he have starved 100 years ago? No idea!) but it had the excellent side benefit of being able to separate output from input, and my husband was able to pop the bottle into the little gaping mouth, and I got to where I could get all the little guy could drink and some extra in three long blocks per day.
Even if direct nursing is going well, I highly recommend doing some pumping along the way from early on so that if/when she needs to be away from the baby for a few hours, it's not as big a deal.
I know you mean well with this comment but I doubt there's anyone who gives birth these days who doesn't consider breastfeeding. The hospital's push it HARD and we couldn't leave the hospital without a literal class in it.
Not everyone has an easy time of it though. They either can't produce any or not enough and the combination of this pressure and post-partum depression can be life-threatening. There's a lot more that goes into the decision to formula feed than cost.
By boopboopbadoop 2022-09-2116:58 I see what you mean, but my point was around the cost saving aspect of it. Maybe everyone considers that aspect, but I figured it’s worth mentioning since once you go down the formula path, it’s hard/impossible to go back.
By legitster 2022-09-2019:17 Oof. I've heard. Is it still that bad at Costco? I was under the impression they were rationing out their supplies well enough now and keeping prices reasonable.
By TrickleDefault 2022-09-218:391 reply > When the hospital sends you the bill - argue, argue, argue.
As someone who comes from a country with single-payer healthcare, this sentence made me feel really sad. I knew some people around the world have to pay for hospital trips, but for some reason I never even considered that having a baby could cost the parents money.
By csixty4 2022-09-2112:29 Often times it's thousands of dollars even with insurance. We were lucky in that we only had a $20 copay I think.
By hollywood_court 2022-09-2121:03 I second the part about having a kid is cheap. I was so afraid of the expenses, but the child caused us to experience significant lifestyle changes that in turn saved us significant money.
By throwawaydad12 2022-09-2021:281 reply The bad: This is what it means to be a man, a father. You are Atlas, and you will hold up your kid's world. No one will be on your side. Some will curse you. Even your kid will probably curse you when they're in their teens.
The good: You will have the power to make your kid's life a good one. You'll make a difference that no one else can make. Probably the decisive difference. Even if no one ever acknowledges it, you'll know it.
What to do: Think about what you have to do to keep reasonable income coming in. But also, think about what you can do to cut unnecessary expenses to the bone. No new cars. No getting hair done. No eating out. No vacations. Etc.
Within that framework, consider changing jobs. If you're living in an expensive city, leave. This is the golden era of remote work. If your current job makes you want to step in front of a train, find a new one. You can program, and there will always be someone willing to pay for that.
Your kid is everything. Start with that principle and work the problem. Godspeed.
By kbelder 2022-09-2119:01 Also... herculean efforts become a lot easier when you need to succeed for your kid's sake.
