Parties are a public service; here's how to throw them.
For New York’s No 1 Socialite, Angela.1) Prioritize your ease of being over any other consideration: parties are like babies, if you’re stressed while holding them they’ll get stressed too. Every other decision is downstream of your serenity: e.g. it's better to have mediocre pizza from a happy host than fabulous hors d'oeuvres from a frazzled one.2) Advertise your start time as a quarter-to the hour. If you start an event at 2:00, people won't arrive till 2:30; if you make it 1:45, people will arrive at 2:00.
3) Invite a few close friends to come 30-60 mins earlier to set up / eat dinner with you / hang out / whatever, so that when the start time approaches you’re already having fun instead of stressing that nobody will come.
4) Most people will only go to a party where they expect to know 3+ others already.
5) Use an app like Partiful or Luma that shows the guest list to invitees. Start by inviting your closest friends, get some yesses, then expand from there.
6) Send the invites in chat groups (or visibly cc’ed emails) to clusters of 4-5 people who know each other, so they can see that their friends are also going.
7) When inviting people individually, namedrop mutual friends who are invited or coming.
8) In a small group, the quality of the experience will depend a lot on whether the various friends blend together well. Follow your instinct on this, even if your instinct feels rude. It’s like cooking a dish, two ingredients can each be fabulous and still not go well together.
9) A large party is more like an Everything Soup: you mainly need to avoid ingredients that ruin the flavor for everyone else; beyond that you can mostly throw in whatever and see what works.
10) Regardless, try not to feel bad about not-inviting someone if your heart says they would make the party less-fun for others. Make peace with gatekeeping because if you don't exclude a small % of people you will ultimately lose everyone else. Someone can be a good person and a bad fit for your party, so don't think of it as a judgement on their soul. All of this is easier in theory than in practice.
11) Most events are better when roughly gender-balanced. Prioritize inviting people of the gender you’d likely have fewer of, then top up invites with the other. Once an event crosses a threshold (maybe 70%?) of male-or-female dominance, most people of the other gender are likely to decline (or just not-come to your next party) as a result. So there's ultimately two equilibria, "roughly gender balanced" and "extremely uncomfortably unbalanced," and you need to stay in the attraction basin for balance. To do this, keep your invite ratio at worst 60-40 in either direction, in order to prevent a downward spiral.
12) Co-host parties with someone you like a lot but who isn't in your exact social circle, so that your two friend-sets can intermingle.
13) Figure out the flake rate in your social circles (the % of people who will RSVP yes and flake on the day), and set your invite numbers with that in mind. In my circles, consistently 1/3rd of people who say they will be there will actually not.
14) Couples often flake together. This changes the probability distribution of attendees considerably, and so your chance of losing a quorum in a small-group setting. Small-group couple-events (e.g. 3-4 couple dinner parties) are very hard to manage in a high-flake society, as a result.
15) Create as much circulation at your party as you can. People circulate more when standing than when sitting, so try to encourage standing for those who can e.g. by having high-top tables, or taking away chairs from around tables, or leaving shelves and counter-tops open for people to rest their plates and drinks.
16) Put the food in one part of the room and the drinks in another, or spread the food and drinks out around the space, so that people have lots of excuses to move around the room.
17) If someone arrives at your party and doesn’t know anybody, welcome them and then place them with another group or person. Ideally you can pick someone they’d specifically get along well with, at second-best just someone who’s friendly and easy to talk to, but ultimately you can just insert them in any group that’s nearby and open. The main point is to prevent them having to butt in on strangers themselves, which for many people is mortifying, while your Host Privilege allows you to do it for them.
18) To leave a group conversation, just slowly step back and then step away. Don't draw attention to your leaving or you’ll be pulled back in. It feels mildly weird to do this but it’s worth it.
19) Throughout the party, prioritize introducing people to each other and hosting the people who are new or shy, even at the cost of getting less time hanging out with your best friends yourself. Parties are a public service, and the guests will (hopefully) pay you back for this by inviting you to parties of their own.
20) Let me repeat that: Parties are a public service, you’re doing people a favor by throwing them. Someone might meet their new best friend or future lover at your gathering. In the short term, lovely people may feel less lonely, and that's thanks to you. In the long term, whole new children may ultimately exist in the world because you bothered to throw a party. Throwing parties is stressful for most people, but a great kindness to the community, so genuinely pat yourself on the back for doing this.
21) The biggest problem at many parties is an endless escalation of volume. If you know how to fix this, let me know.
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Comments
Love all of these tips. I've hosted dozens of events since moving to NYC and figured I'd add 5 more:
1. If this is a dinner party (or people are all seated), force people to get up and move in a way that they'll meet new people. Do this when you're about 2/3 of the way through the party. Some will complain - do it anyway.
2. Plan 1 (ideally 2) interludes. It can be a small speech, moving people around, changing locations, having people vote on something, etc. For whatever reason, they make the night more memorable.
3. Do your best to make introductions natural and low-pressure. Saying things like "you two would really get along" can put pressure on people - especially shy ones. Bring up something they have in common and let them chat while you back away.
4. Go easy on folks who cancel last minute. They often don't feel good about doing it and you don't want to add more stress to them or yourself.
5. More music != more fun. Some music is good, but if people can't hear each other, turn it down.
If you're interested reading more about this stuff, read The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker.
By xhrpost 2025-11-033:30 I feel like hosting in NYC is even more of a public service given that space is limited and not everyone has a living situation suited for it. Props to you for making it happen. Been doing what I can here as well. Cheers!
>1. If this is a dinner party (or people are all seated), force people to get up and move in a way that they'll meet new people. Do this when you're about 2/3 of the way through the party.
Better, I've found, for compelling people to interact with others they may not know, is to assign seats. This enables separating couples or others with a preexisting connection. The act of eating offers the benefits of a subject to discuss (if needed) and makes it so it's acceptable to periodically look away from the conversation partner. Just note that depending on the size/shape of the dinner table, it may be necessary to think about who people will be seated adjacent to and seated across from.
It used to be custom (in high society, not anywhere I have dimmed) to sit boy girl boy girl, and for ladies to talk to the man in their left during the first course, right during second... to keep a balanced conversation going
By arethuza 2025-11-0311:11 I've been at posh events (e.g. silking dinners) where there was a fixed seating plan but then the ladies moved around before dessert.
NB Such things are really not my natural habitat.
By cafard 2025-11-0316:00 When arranging seating for a dinner (not that often), we tend to separate couples. And when at someone's house when there is not pre-arranged seating, my wife and I tend to sit apart.
Stendhal thought that the 19th Century French custom that married couples should attend the same gatherings had harmed the quality of conversation. I think he said this of the Empire.
probably depends, but couples already have all the other times they can be with each other
By littlecorner 2025-11-0412:34 Until kids show up lol
1. Maybe it's a cultural thing but it sounds like hell on earth to me. I'd be the one complaining and probably will not show up to the next party ...
By spiralcoaster 2025-11-035:301 reply That makes two of us. I've never heard of (or thank god, been to) a party where a host is forcing people to move around, especially in an unnatural way. Nothing feels like a forced party more than, well, forcing.
> I've never heard of (or thank god, been to) a party where a host is forcing people to move around, especially in an unnatural way.
You've never been to a party where you had dispersed throughout the location, and then the host gathered you to eat a meal or a cake (possibly singing a song prior to distributing the cake)?
By philipallstar 2025-11-039:311 reply > You've never been to a party where you had dispersed throughout the location, and then the host gathered you to eat a meal or a cake (possibly singing a song prior to distributing the cake)?
This isn't "an unnatural way". I don't know what the point of mischaracterising the previous comments is.
By vasco 2025-11-037:23 Calling for dinner is one thing. Forcing seating or forcing rearrangement sounds lunatic but I'm happy I can choose friends well enough that nobody ever tried. Most points in the original article sound crazy to me as well though.
By bigstrat2003 2025-11-037:082 reply I think a lot of stuff is cultural. For me, I detest music at social gatherings. I'm there to chat with people, not to listen to music. Music, for me, can only be neutral at best (and more often it detracts fun), not a value add. My wife, on the other hand, considers an event "like a funeral" if there isn't music playing. Just different cultures. Sadly, it means stuff hosted at my house doesn't ever align with my preferences, because happy wife and all that.
By BowBun 2025-11-0313:11 She's right though, when's the last time you've been to a public gathering place that hasn't had background music? It doesn't need to be loud, but without music if there's a natuural lull in the conversation it can just be a little awkward haha
I like to dance, I often invite DJs to my parties. But when no one ones to dance I turn to music down. Can't force them.
But I think it's a personal preference, not culture. Is there a culture where they don't listen to music at all?
By brazukadev 2025-11-039:01 > Is there a culture where they don't listen to music at all?
I don't know if there's one that dislikes music but Brazilians definitely like it more than other cultures, music is everywhere here, sometimes a bit too loud
I don't understand the idea of the host forcing interactions like this. I think the best party is when the host is just another attendee.
By Cthulhu_ 2025-11-039:39 Sure, in an ideal situation people would naturally mingle, but a lot of people are shy or will just stick to people they know, which makes it less valuable as a social event.
By Doxin 2025-11-0812:49 As someone with a medium amount of social anxiety: for the love of god, arrange for excuses for me to talk to people. I cannot just walk up to people and start a conversation. If your party does not have reasons to talk to people I will not and just end up feeling like a third wheel.
I'm sure there's plenty of people who are naturals at parties, but for those who are not it's very nice if the deck gets stacked in favor of new interactions.
#4 has been tough for me - I take it semi-personally, as a sign of disrespect. I get that everyone has things going on. That said committing to an event where the host spends time + money to prepare forand then not going just seems so rude to me.
I try not to give folks a hard time, but after a couple strikes I just won't invite them anymore. It's not worth accomodating people who regularly flake, they can hang out with other flakes.
By elzbardico 2025-11-0313:422 reply Usually, people who don't want to go to your party will find an excuse as early as possible to decline your invitation in order to avoid unpleasantness and awkwardness for themselves.
Assume that the vast majority of people you properly invited and that RSVP you DID want to go, even if they flaked at the last moment. Yes, there are some inconsiderate bastards out there, but there's a big subset of flakers that do feel guilty/regret not going, far more than we can imagine.
You need to understand that in the great schema of life, parties for the invitee are always at a lower priority compared to work, health and family issues: A single guy may have finally got a date, a mom can be having issues with their kids at school near exams period, someone may be anxious after a not so great feedback at a work 1:1 with their boss and decided to polish their resume.
And besides life stuff preempting party attendance, there are a lot of other factors. Some people you invite may have been raised in an environment where, due to poverty, immigration, family issues, they were never really in too many parties, and thus, while they may wish to enjoy your party, they may become too anxious to attend what is an unfamiliar experience to them.
Depressed, low esteem people, for example, will have a big probability of believing that your invitation was not that serious, and that you only invited them out of politeness. Actually, you don't even need to have depression issues in the mix for that to happen, some cultures have a marked tendency to avoid directness in communication, and for those people, if you don't have a close connection to them, or if they perceive you as higher status than them, they will believe your invitation is not actual for real, and they are not really expected to attend.
So, for some of those people I think that is worth your effort insisting more than twice, maybe trying to make they really feel welcome and needed a bit more.
It may sound crazy and counter-intuitive, but sometimes, just sometimes, some of the people who flaked do respect you more than some of the people who went and just wanted to have a good time for free.
By singleshot_ 2025-11-0421:15 > You need to understand
The least persuasive phrase in English
By cindyllm 2025-11-0313:46 [dead]
By douglee650 2025-11-0313:20 Don't take it personally; not inviting them after a few times is enough.
By frankdenbow 2025-11-0311:40 Get up and move is the best thing to do, there was an article on HN with the correct algorithm for this but cant find it.
Having a follow up email with everyones contact helps a ton.
I've also given people a prompt of what the question is to ask to get the convo started when people move around. Let people focus with 2-3 people listening mostly to the story of one person.
Many friendships/teams started from these tips!
By ubermonkey 2025-11-0313:15 I'd push back on aggressively "managing" where people sit and with whom they interact.
By rsanek 2025-11-0317:46 The Art of Gathering is great. I found it actually helped me be a better guest, too.
I feel like this is really an American culture thing where parties or dinner parties are mostly the responsibility of the host. In movies or TV there’s even a common theme of guests judging the host’s hosting abilities.
In Brazil you throw a party to people you like and they all have a hand in helping you, sharing the load. Everyone will be responsible for some part of it, all of it is organized informally, there are no real formalities to the event. No one cares about making a science out of it.
I’ve never heard of a person complaining about party quality or comparing hosting abilities.
America is a huge place with a lot of different cultures. Even within a big city you’ll find social circles with different ideas of what partying is like. I have friend groups that have completely different ideas of what gatherings are and I adapt depending on the group. There is not a singular American party style.
> In movies or TV there’s even a common theme of guests judging the host’s hosting abilities.
That’s a movie trope. You can find parties and social groups like this if you search around long enough, but most people are decidedly not like this.
Don’t take American movies too seriously as an indicator of American culture.
By thomassmith65 2025-11-032:241 reply
Sorry to be persnickety, but... so is Brazil!America is a huge place with a lot of different culturesRight. Which makes it even more absurd that a Brazilian would make a singular classification to the whole lot.
By dlisboa 2025-11-0311:55 Nah, Brazilian culture is pretty homogenous in that regard. A lot of our culture is dedicated to not looking posh or seeming too rich, more value is placed on being perceived as down to earth (some exceptions notwithstanding).
Parties are communal and informal partly because of income: everyone realizes bankrolling a large party by themselves is pretty expensive so everyone pitches in. Even if you can afford it you don't want your guests to think you're too rich as that's not as cool.
We're only exposed to formal dinner parties and large orchestrated events through fiction. Even the Brazilian fiction that features it carries a more aristocratic view of parties like that, reserved for the ultra rich who want to feel European.
So that single classification is pretty correct.
So I live in Amsterdam and my friends are from about 6 European countries and we do the same as the Brazilian guy.
Imagine being in the playground as a kid. You just are there. And if its fun, its not fun because of you, its fun because of the group which is there. So are parties, they just "are".
All these rules you guys have appear to me like watching a movie about a psychopath lining up pens in the living room.
You are just being judgy.
Dong think of it as rules, think of it as someone explaining etiquette. That is hard to write down without sounding weird.
I bet you are oversimplifying how good parties are created in your own culture. If you tried to write down the actual etiquette it would come out sounding weird to us all.
Humans create odd rituals and expectations about everything social. You only really notice it when polling at other cultures - ie is hard to see in your own culture because you implicitly understand the "rules".
#1 is amazingly insightful:
Well written. Unobvious to many. I'm sure we all recognise when a hostess or host is trying far too hard and failing badly. It is tricky to learn the skill of being a relaxed hostess/host (some people do it naturally, or have learnt from others).1) Prioritize your ease of being over any other consideration: parties are like babies, if you’re stressed while holding them they’ll get stressed too. Every other decision is downstream of your serenityBy xxs 2025-11-0311:13 I'd also strongly support the notion - the article is very US centric, It feels overly concerned about being a host, providing close to a formal experience and expectations for/from the guests, too.
You're being downvoted probably because hn is too sensitive to you calling me judgy but you have a good point. It's hard to write about this without sounding weird, and I guess if I wanted to write about what makes a good party I'd also sound weird. I guess my point was more about the mindset of how you even think about the thing. For me it just "is", and that's a good part of why it works. I wouldn't want to think everyone at the party is focused on maximizing the fun instead of, you know, just naturally having fun.
Like imagine if during sex you think your partner is just meta-thinking about giving you a good experience - they should just be enjoying and so should you. To me this example makes it more visceral but upon reflection I'm just making a basic "live in the moment" cliche.
By swiftcoder 2025-11-0313:261 reply I don't know about the Netherlands, but having spent a bit of time in Germany, you may be underestimating the mount of party planning that is ingrained into the various European cultures.
From an outside perspective, even fairly casual German gatherings feel like they are orchestrated with a level of precision that would do a military campaign proud - but the Germans I was with don't really seem to notice this (likely because they all already know their roles, and to them it's just part of their culture)
I don’t think this is a specific cultural thing, in my experience some people host more curated gathering, some more relaxed and informal - doesn’t matter where you’re from. People just tend to think the way their social group does it is the ‘norm’.
By swiftcoder 2025-11-0314:332 reply I think there's a cultural element to how much of it people will know to do without being explicitly told what to do.
In the US successful gatherings tend to require a fair bit of wrangling - I've been to more than one potluck where everyone showed up with roughly the same dish...
By MrScruff 2025-11-0415:03 I think that goes everywhere though, I’ve been to at least one of every type of party described in this discussion thread in the last year and I’m not American.
By shadyKeystrokes 2025-11-0318:57 MR. Quiche - we meet again..
By robocat 2025-11-0320:00 Thanks. I'm no fan of the article, and likely for the reason you mention: trying to write down how to perform social interactions is extremely weird (although I don't think it is "sociopathic"). I do admire people that are good at explaining their internal social thinking!
It was interesting to read in part because different people do things so differently: I'm sure we could find successful party creators that have "rules" that are completely incompatible! An example, the writer clearly very carefully curates their invite list; however an opposite technique can be to have zero curation (which can definitely be great). The network of social ties leads to certain outcomes without forcing.
> For me it just "is", and that's a good part of why it works.
Naturalness is great for those that are smart. The implied rule is to "be natural": that rule makes sense to write yet it is simultaneously nonsense.
Overthinking anything is silly. But sometimes it can lead to insight. I think that "Let your irrational mind run the show" is also a good rule for life yet somewhere we need to fit in rationality even though that is a contradiction.
I think their #1 rule is strangely unobvious to some people. I'm a social idiot yet I can think of more than one case where I have tried to encourage a hostess to let go of their hostessing anxiety (when I've felt I could do so tactfully and hurtlessly). It isn't a sexist thing, it is just a personal observation that it is a common issue (I would try and help a guy out too if I saw the problem and I thought I could help rather than harm).
It seems maybe I've pondered the above, yet writing it down is just freaky weird. Perhaps writing is the issue!? Talking of course has its own failures.
Ideally we intuitively soak up good ways to do things. If we are fortunate then our friends help us to learn when we've been misled by our intuitions.
Going too meta is another fail!
It's the same with dating. The American rules about first dates, second dates, the exclusivity talk etc. is just not how it works in Europe. Maybe with online dating it moves towards it, but the regular way is much more informal and low pressure.
By hitarpetar 2025-11-0314:591 reply I'm American and have no clue wtf you're talking about
By albedoa 2025-11-0315:08 Same. This is completely foreign to me: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=45797794
It's the conclusions of someone whose understanding of America is formed entirely from television.
Americans tend to think about themselves as informal/loose, but they evolved to be very formal and structural, in reality. Tend to like a lot of formal rules about everything.
If you look at Latin American movies, they themselves are different then American movies and show different culture. They are not the exact copy of their cultures of original, but they certainly show quite different social behavior and values.
It's similar to how they schedule all the free time of their kids too. Or their own free time for that matter. Must spend every minute being productive, every minute counted towards some labeled activity. Everything that isn't classified as one of these things has to be cut out, minimized, made more efficient etc.
By nxor 2025-11-0313:32 This is a great point. It's not as true outside cities but it's extremely true inside them.
> Tend to like a lot of formal rules about everything.
I would amend to: what Americans don't like to accept are what they see as preventable mistakes. The least American sentiment of all is "shit happens". Americans sometimes say that, but they don't mean it. What they really mean: "this shit shouldn't be allowed to happen". Hence the rules, and (in the extreme) the litigiousness.
By philipallstar 2025-11-039:33 > what Americans don't like to accept are what they see as preventable mistakes
Most high-achieving societies are this way.
Except for red Solo cups. That's absolutely a real American party thing.
Source: Went to college in the US, also have been to stores in America where these cups are sold.
By jrochkind1 2025-11-031:44 I think some cultures are definitely more social/cooperative and some less, and Brazil and the US may be on opposite ends. I also think the US may be having a social crisis at the moment.
But my guess is that in Brazil many of the things in this list are things that party host(s) (and their circles) are doing, intuitively and without thinking about it. Or different things with similar effects.
I didn't see anything in the OP about anyone comparing party quality or hosting abilities.
But when you go to a party and it's a great party, often it's because someone put effort into it. The better they are at it, the fewer people might notice. and it might come naturally to them, maybe they never had to make a list like this (a very particular kind of brain, sure). But a succesful party (where people enjoy themselves and it feels good) has people putting energy into making it vibe. Again, perhaps inuitivley and naturally and because it's something everyone learns how to do organically in a society. But I'm gonna guess this is true in Brazil too.
By pessimizer 2025-11-032:03 > I feel like this is really an American culture thing where parties or dinner parties are mostly the responsibility of the host. In movies or TV there’s even a common theme of guests judging the host’s hosting abilities.
This is really a function of the type of party and of the type of people one is inviting to a party rather than a universal among Americans. I was brought up that you don't come to a party empty-handed. If you're going to a party where you know everybody else was brought up that way, you call ahead to see what will be lacking (mostly so everybody doesn't bring alcohol.)
I've brought chairs to parties; if you haven't ever done that you probably don't know what I'm talking about.
There's also a "dinner party" culture, though, where you're going to cook for a bunch of people. They should bring alcohol, but they don't always because people don't always drink, and their bringing alcohol doesn't get you out of providing alcohol. The expectation is that you have a reciprocal party rather than everyone contribute at this party i.e. you're inviting people who also might have dinner parties. They're bringing a guest or two to yours, you'll also bring a guest or two to theirs.
The second type of party is more conversation-oriented, and sometimes the contribution you're making is how interesting your guest is. I'm still bringing wine or something, though. Can't show up empty-handed.
Even potluck parties tend to be better on average when someone or a few people are "in charge". In my experience, even when people are just getting together for dinner out, there are people who step up more to organize.
Are you sure there aren't certain people driving these "informal" parties?
By ccanassa 2025-11-0410:01 In Brazil, you are expected to bring food or drinks when you are invited as a guest to a party. If you stay until the end, you are also expected to help clean up the place. Guests will often take over certain parts of the party without even asking, such as preparing drinks, taking care of the barbecue, serving people, or going to the store to buy more drinks.
By roncesvalles 2025-11-031:092 reply there is some nuance
1. Sometimes an "inner circle" will co-host a party but the other attendees are not expected to do anything except show up and have a good time, and maybe bring booze. This is common with roommates and in college.
2. What you're describing verbatim is a potluck. Potlucks in the US are popular among immigrant groups, family friend groups, or parties for clubs or associations. But ultimately they're considered a bit uncool/laidback and don't fit the definition of an American party. They're better described as "get-togethers".
By com2kid 2025-11-034:14 > What you're describing verbatim is a potluck. Potlucks in the US are popular among immigrant groups, family friend groups, or parties for clubs or associations. But ultimately they're considered a bit uncool/laidback and don't fit the definition of an American party. They're better described as "get-togethers".
As a foodie in the Pacific Northwest I disagree with this statement.
Potlucks are a chance for people to show off their skills. Some of the best potlucks I've been to have a competition aspect to them, complete with prizes.
As a host of a potluck I'll handle drinks, entertainment, and renting a venue, but the guest list is around 80% people who I can rely on to cook a damn good dish.
By blovescoffee 2025-11-032:271 reply I would not consider this to be a potluck. I've been to many parties in both LATAM and the US. LATAM parties are indeed just like US parties very often but in many cases they are much more "communal" without being a potluck per-se. A potluck is still too formal a name for what I've experienced at least. Someone's uncle will bring a piñata, someone's aunt will cook pozole, a cousin will bring a speaker, and so on. And these types of parties are not "uncool" or even "laidback" they can be wild.
For me in the US, potluck describes the style of food and culinary expectation of guests. The actual gathering could be fun and wild if it’s a fun and wild family potluck or uncool and lame if it’s an elementary school fundraiser potluck.
Til you find out that Lucy added LSD to her chicken casserole, that is!
Don't leave your special cookies or shots where norms might consume them.
A friend left her brownies in a Tupperware in the fridge at work. The colleagues decided to help themselves (good people, so I assume with the intention to replace). There were some rather unfortunate outcomes including hospital visits.
Please learn from her mistake: don't ever leave drugged food where other people/minors/animals might eat it.
By fragmede 2025-11-044:55 How many times do I have to bake laxative cookies before people understand if it's not theirs, don't eat it?
By bitshiftfaced 2025-11-030:53 > In Brazil you throw a party to people you like and they all have a hand in helping you, sharing the load. Everyone will be responsible for some part of it, all of it is organized informally, there are no real formalities to the event. No one cares about making a science out of it.
> I’ve never heard of a person complaining about party quality or comparing hosting abilities.
This is all true in my experience as well, and I live in the US. Maybe I don't go to enough parties, though.
There's two modes that I know of in American dinner/meal party culture. 1) Host provides main dish, and guests bring miscellaneous supporting items (ideal for a casual party where the menu need not be coordinated carefully, and people spread throughout the house). 2) Host provides everything or almost everything (more formal occasions, typically sitting at one table; guests might bring wine or dessert). The latter is a holdover from peak 1950s culture/expectations. Many of the expectations and protocols have relaxed tremendously. But it's still a thing. And it's a ton of fun to pull off, if you're into it. A well-executed dinner party leaves me with a warm glow that lasts well into the next day.
By o11c 2025-11-035:28 1 can definitely be split into 1a) host provides main dish and assigns specific dishes to specific guests, and 1b) full-blown potluck with no official dish assignments at all, hopefully no load-bearing grandma has died since the last potluck.
By johnnyanmac 2025-11-0313:112 reply House parties are more common in America, so that may be a big reason. A party in that context isn't just about gathering people, it's bringing people into your own living space to be judged upon.
And of course, many US gatherings are also means to move up the social ladder. Meeting new connections, finding mates, or getting intel on an area. Very capitalistic oriented.
By hitarpetar 2025-11-0315:011 reply > And of course, many US gatherings are also means to move up the social ladder. Meeting new connections, finding mates, or getting intel on an area. Very capitalistic oriented.
just like every other claim on this thread, that depends on who you spend time with, and you can find the same behavior in literally any country
By johnnyanmac 2025-11-0321:231 reply Yes, everything varies. We're talking about a country so I'm speaking about a country's general habits.
By hitarpetar 2025-11-0323:411 reply there are no "general habits" in a culturally heterogenous population of 340 million people
By johnnyanmac 2025-11-0323:461 reply You're not going to be a very good statistician or data scientist if you have that mentality. Facebook became a trillionaire over the ability aggregate seemingly unoqie data of billions and provide value to adverts with it.
Like any other engineering, it's not about perfection. Being able to peedict that even 10% of these 340m people do a certain thing a certain way is enough to capture and establish a trend. That's all I'm doing here.
By hitarpetar 2025-11-0418:431 reply ok. can you share your methods for the statistical analysis you performed on American culture then?
By johnnyanmac 2025-11-0420:33 Of course. When I'm done with my job search I'll be sure to resume work on my thesis on American party composition.
Any sooner: my going rate for my findings is $3000 up front to resume and finalize my findings.
So people under things other than capitalism don't behave that way. Right.
By johnnyanmac 2025-11-0313:55 Treat everything as a hustle to further oneself in life? Well, sure. Feudal courts in high class society also do this under nearly any other paradigm. So it's not just capitalism.
Capitalism matters less than the hyper individualistic culture here. But one drives the other in this case (other things can drive individualism too).
By hshdhdhehd 2025-11-036:572 reply I like that idea as it means yiu are more likely to host a party. It is also less expensive to do so.
The UK has a show dedicated to a competition to see who is the best host of a dinner party. (come dine with me). Its a great show but shows the culture. The poor host has to pay for everything, prep, cook while entertaining the guest and usually put on some show or activity for extra points.
By dlisboa 2025-11-0312:06 > I like that idea as it means yiu are more likely to host a party. It is also less expensive to do so.
Yeah, you're expected to help in some way. The idea being that a party at someone's house is likely an inconvenience to that person so if you want more of that to happen you should make sure the host feels barely any pain. Even if you don't bring anything to the party you should be helping place the table, carrying furniture, doing dishes...something.
People who don't help at all aren't well perceived and will probably not be invited again.
By someone7x 2025-11-0315:08 I lived in the UK briefly and this episode broke my brain Series 3 Episode 53:
> Host Forbes Robertson, the only man in the group, is Ayr's answer to Donald Trump, and his menu plan includes pigs' trotters, which don't appeal to his guests
> you throw a party to people you like
How many is that? It's comfortable being with people I like, but I just consider that "hanging out".
The appeal of parties to me is it's a social expectation to mingle with new people I otherwise would never have had the opportunity to speak to.
By dlisboa 2025-11-030:58 Could be a handful or a couple dozen, depends on the person really. Birthdays are more packed.
There’s no real expectation in a party here. Usually you’ll call up people you know from different parts of your life. People bring plus ones so someone from work will be chatting to your family member, a high school friend to someone’s plus one, etc.
That’s usually how people strike new relationships after a certain age.
By dm319 2025-11-039:29 You've not had instructional videos on how to throw a party[1]? Odd!
I think parties in the Netherlands consist mostly of “have house, bring booze” and things get taken from there. At least, when I was in high school/university (we got to buy alcohol from 16 at the time).
High school/University house parties in capitalist America have a "have house, bring money" theme, because drinking age is 21, so the oldest person buys the alcohol for everybody else, and things get taken from there.
When was the US not capitalist? And you really think if we weren't, the theme would be different?
By fragmede 2025-11-0315:46 it's an interesting culture inculcation process. As a child with no concept of how money works, you go from a world where food and drinks magically appear, to a world where you're a part of the system. There’s this divide as the drinking age is 21, but people attend college starting at around age 18. Far from everyone goes to college in the US, but around 18 is when, legally, kids turn into adults. So then there's this problem where you can't go to any of the legal government-regulated bars nearby, but you also now, suddenly, have the freedom to do anything you want because for most Americans, this is the first time they're living out from under their parents reign. So you have this group, A, with their money, who want product B (alcohol), and only group C (21+ aged people) can purchase it. If the drinking age was, say, 16, culturally, it would be easier to just have and expect people to bring a six pack of beer on their way over. But since it's restricted to age 21+, trying to acquire alcohol becomes a whole thing.
Alright, so you're 18, you're in college, and it's a Friday night, what're you gonna get up to? You're still a raging mess of hormones from puberty and want to seek out people you find sexually interesting, and it turns out alcohol is a social lubricant. But you can't just go to the store and buy some alcohol, so you have figure out something else. You can try and have fun without alcohol (which, to the future alcoholics out there: this entirely possible!), or you can figure out a way to acquire some. You can steal it which then they can't check your id, you can try and fake the system with a fake id (which needs to be created or purchased). You can try to get someone you know or a stranger to buy you some, and give them a generous service fee. Or you can simply attend a house party where there is underage drinking where you have to know somebody to get in, but you just have to show up and give them money (for a red Solo cup). But therin lies the indoctrination into capitalism because if you organize and source a keg of beer for, say, a nice round $100 to make the math easier, it has 165 cups of beer. If you sell a cup of beer of $5, 165*$5-$100 for the keg = $725. Which isn't a ton of money split out amongst all participants, but once you put that into a calculator, or better yet, a Google Sheet, then you're hooked.
But that wasn't your question. The US was less capitalist before the Internet. Which is funny, because the Internet was supposed to break down walls and eliminate unnecessary middlemen. It might just be a timing thing, though. There is a late-stage private equity version of capitalism that seems more prevalent as of late. Where "late" is defined as since, I don't know, 1920. The particular part I'm thinking of is when grocery stores became chains and those chains had enough excess revenue that they hired psychologists to optimize the store layout to get people to buy more shit. I don't know anyone who thinks that money isn't useful, but it's the concentration of it that has become problematic. That whole "enshittification" thing is borne out of that. Something making $1 million / year being "not interesting to VC firms" comes out of that.
If we weren't capitalist, what would the theme be?
In lieu of cash, the theme would be bring something to the party to make the party better. Mostly alcohol, but also interesting people, music, trinkets; some other token of appreciation and something to engage people with. But because of the above described process, "just show up with cash" is the mindset for many Americans (including me, when I can't help it!). It's moved to digital, like Venmo/Cash.app/Zelle these days, and apparently the newest generation isn't drinking as much, so we'll have to see where it all goes though.
By dyauspitr 2025-11-033:35 Yeah as a naturalized immigrant, Americans are judgy. Everything will be judged relative to something similar. In Asia a party is a party. Food and drink are usually accounted for and the rest just happens. No one really thinks of “rating” it the next day. The whole thing is low pressure and parties are frequent and plentiful because of it.
By johnsillings 2025-11-030:421 reply sounds way better that way
They are called potlucks or cookouts in the U.S. and they happen all the time.
In fact, they are probably a lot more common than having a huge party (so large that you have to invite people in batches of half a dozen at a time) completely planned and executed by a single person.
This article is good, don’t get me wrong, but this type of event planning is not really representative of how folk in the U.S. get together
By com2kid 2025-11-034:21 Some summers I plan on BBQing every weekend and I throw invites out on Thursday. People typically bring something and we all have a good time.
For the parties as described in the article, I maybe go to one or two a year tops. Before I had a kid I used to host large parties like the kind described (~15 people tops though), now I just attend and contribute.
By johnsillings 2025-11-031:02 I live in the US, and the type of party in the article is way more familiar to me than potlucks or cookouts – but that's just me
By AmbroseBierce 2025-11-031:04 Yes but it probably has a bigger overlap with the kind of people that would use Google to find an article that says how to throw a good party.
> The biggest problem at many parties is an endless escalation of volume. If you know how to fix this, let me know.
Ideally, a guest breaks a cheap glass. The sound is heard across the house. The helpers immediately spring into action, leaving their conversations behind, looking for towels and a dustpan. The people nearby go mute with sympathetic embarrassment. Much ado is made of finding every shard. Meanwhile you are laboring over a replacement drink for the guest, which you graciously present in protest to their apologies. The party resumes at 70% volume.
Also happened with a lamp on one occasion.
This is ingenious. If I ever host a house party, I might consider stocking on some cheap glassware just in case (and figure out which friend I can trust to do the dirty work)...
By Esophagus4 2025-11-0313:201 reply I have been at a party where (as I later found out) the host had hired an actor to be one of the waiters, and she paid him to trip and fall and spill a tray of food.
It made the night memorable and got everyone talking and working together to help clean up!
By thimkerbell 2025-11-0315:261 reply So now we are to wonder if accidents are faked?
The host did harm here.
By Esophagus4 2025-11-0316:59 Oh, come on… so quick to judgment (and so bizarrely sure of yourself) for something you didn’t even see.
It worked. There was no “harm” done.
By Vinnl 2025-11-0312:16 Haha, my first thought too; I'm sure you can also just find some spots where someone is bound to bump one over. It might just get suspicious the fourth time around, though then again, that might make the party memorable.
By IanCal 2025-11-0310:10 Here I think that’s more likely to result in shouts of
“Weeeeey!”
And
“Sack the juggler!”
By crazybonkersai 2025-11-0311:191 reply Or just do not serve alcohol. When people are sober, they tend to keep their voices in check. But then again is it fun?
By tspng 2025-11-0312:08 Even though I drink some alcohol as well, it think kind of sad that it has such a reverse association with not having fun. I am sure almost all people would have an awesome time regardless. It's very deeply ingrained in our culture and just the default behaviour when meeting in the evening.
By baby 2025-11-0317:37 I had the exact same idea, buy a honk thing and play it when noise gets too loud. Gets everyone to reset noise volume.
Tbh the noise volume issue is only smthg that exists in american parties
